How To Prepare For The Inevitable Leprechaun Uprising
No Leprechauns Allowed!
As you may have noticed, leprechauns have already integrated into every part of our lives. I know you sit in anguish knowing that your friends and family may or may not have been replaced by leprechauns, but do not panic. We at The Pacifican just so happen to have been trained by the leprechaun experts at the Secret Society of Leprechaun Resistance. With their expertise, we have written a guide to prepare you for the leprechaun apocalypse.
Isolate yourself from human contact. If anyone can be a leprechaun, then everyone is a leprechaun; trust no one. For example, if a loved one calls you “crazy” for writing a guide to surviving the leprechaun uprising; they have been compromised. Get away from them as soon as possible and lock yourself in a dark, secluded area like a basement. Then, you can start writing your article.
Food and water is important for survival, so let's hope you brought some into your basement. If you forgot to get some before you locked yourself in the basement, that’s ok. Simply go for a supply run and get back to the safe space as soon as possible.
Don’t go for a supply run. Even though you are now locked in the basement because you lost your key, don’t worry; it’s too dangerous outside anyways. The leather in shoes is a great emergency source of food.
Shoes are not a great source of food. Apparently, the chemicals to treat most types of leather are not fit for human consumption. Don’t worry, even though you’re now sick on the floor sobbing, there is still hope. You are alive and you are not a leprechaun.
Death is inevitable, but with the leprechaun uprising it's coming soon. Accept that you and everyone you know are going to die by the cruel hands of a leprechaun. However, there is a caveat. Leprechauns are ruthlessly merciless, but also undeniably greedy. Keep some shiny coins in your pocket to hopefully bargain for a quick painless death. Alternatively, you can find a nice cozy basement to snuggle up in for your final days. I know this writer is snug and comfy and not doubting his life decisions. Remember, it’s better to die a human than become a leprechaun.